Through Emptiness and Darkness to God’s Light and Life

I grew up in a beautiful old Queenslander on a grassy slope covered with lovely trees and gardens. On the outside, everything looked good, but our family was never carefree. We were a together family with plenty of friends but my father battled illness and depression. I was painfully aware of his sufferings.

When I was twelve, he died tragically. I was shocked and shattered as I’d been close to him. He had been a talented and popular man. The loss left a huge gap in my life that nothing seemed able to fill. We were not even allowed to tell our friends what had happened. By the standards of those days, he had committed the unforgiveable sin. Mum took me to a counsellor, but she was only superficial help.

A dark cloud settled over me and I battled depression from this time and all through my teens, except when I was at boarding school where I was surrounded by friends. Being away from home was like living in a different world, separated from my grief.

Our family had never been Christians. I don’t know if my parents believed in God at all. But amid everything, I sometimes had glimpses of Something or Someone beyond the material world. Someone important. Then the veil between me and the spiritual world would fall back into place and I’d be back in our house, feeling terribly alone and unhappy. On the positive side, these glimpses made me aware there was something more, so I developed a belief in God as part of an interest in the spiritual realm.

When I went to university, however, my third year philosophy tutor told us, “If you believe in God, you’re wrong and you’ll fail.” Butterflies flapped frantic wings against the walls of my stomach. I needed to pass as I was carrying an extra unit after failing mathematical logic in second year.

For six months I argued with my tutor. He required me to present a paper to the class, explaining my beliefs. I knew God was real but how could I explain my God awareness to a class? I wasn’t a Christian and had no foundation for my beliefs. I did my best, only to be mocked.

“Can you see him? Can you touch him?” the tutor asked as I presented my paper to the tutorial.

No, I couldn’t then.

I argued for six months, then he won.

Correction: he won that round. I gave up and was brainwashed into becoming an atheist. I couldn’t prove God’s existence, so I felt I must be wrong – that what I had experienced was unimportant.

After completing my Bachelor of Arts Degree, I believed I was free and could do anything without a God to stop me. I ended up living in East Sydney among a group of cutting edge artistic people who used drugs, sex and you name it to experiment with different states of mind and perceptions of life. I loved writing and enjoyed a lot of success through it, but I often felt the old loneliness and emptiness even though I was mixing with the ‘in group’.

At that time, I was studying drama at the Ensemble Theatre. One night when I was helping with a play, I was waiting in the wings to run on stage and change the furniture when the lights went out. I found myself listening to a church scene while the actors enacted it and sang,

“I come to the garden alone,
While the dew is still on the roses,
And the voice I hear
Falling on my ear,
The Son of God discloses.
And He walks with me
And He talks with me,
And He tells me I am His own.
And the joy we share,
As we tarry there,
None other has ever known.” *

Something stirred inside me. Could it possibly be true? Could God be real after all? Could this Jesus talk to you like a friend?

A seed had been planted. A few days later I was coming down after an LSD trip. Strange terror gripped me. Was I dying and going to hell?

“God, if you exist, please forgive me for not believing in you!” I cried inside myself.

In spite of those two incidents, I forgot about God again for some months. I didn’t realise at the time, though, that He was pursuing me.

I returned to my home in Brisbane, still feeling empty and lonely. I decided I must find the meaning of life. I could no longer bear this aching void inside me. So I went up to Mt Tamborine to stay with family friends, to spend time walking and thinking in that beautiful setting.

I walked along muddy tracks through rainforest and sat beside gurgling streams. In the evenings I looked out to the west, seeing the paddocks with dams shining like shards of broken glass. Then mist crept up the valleys and blotted out the trees one by one. So much beauty, yet nothing stirred inside me. Life, for me, still had no meaning.

I was probably even more disillusioned and still empty when I went back home.

But something else had changed while I was away.

My sister was suddenly like a different person from the one I’d known. She was actually happy! That was new and very unusual for her. We were not close, though, so I didn’t ask her what had happened.

Then, one morning while the cicadas shrilled in the heat, I heard my sister talking on the veranda. Who was visiting her? I tried to shrug it off but curiosity – and a mysterious compulsion – forced me to go out to the veranda.

A man sat on one of the cane chairs. To my horror, he was reading the Bible to Arlene. As I listened, he read, “All things work together for good for those who love God and those who are called according to His purpose.” ( Romans 8:28)

Light seemed to flood my mind. I understood now. Everything I’d lived through – my father’s death, short-lived relationships, broken relationships, so many things – they would all be used to help other people because God had called me. I had no doubt at all. I knew this was what I needed to fill that empty space inside me.

However, even with this enlightenment it still took me another two years to fully embrace my faith and relationship with Jesus as my Lord. I felt I had nothing in common with all those loving, gentle, sweet people after so long mixing with hardened, colourful, experimental, arty people who lived outside the usual social mores. I felt on the outside now, as if I could never fit in.

But after about a year, God brought a few other colourful Christian friends into my life – people I could relate to more easily. They became wonderful friends for life and have continued to bring me great joy and fulfilment. God led me to walk closely with Him and this, too, brought fulfilment and happiness to my life in many ways. I became an active evangelist and led many to the Lord. I loved my work as an English teacher and later a Speech and Drama teacher. The emptiness that had plagued me was long gone. It had disappeared soon after I first accepted Jesus into my heart.

Even though there have been a few deep valleys to walk through, I’ve had a rich and fulfilling life. Walking through valleys with God, who in His wisdom had led me into a close relationship with Him as Father, has meant even the difficulties have had meaning.

Thank You, Father, and Lord Jesus, for pursuing reluctant me. I now know You were there all the time.

Jeanette Grant-Thomson has been writing and having short pieces published since her childhood. She has had six books and many short works published and a short film she wrote and directed in the Sydney Film Festival. Jeanette enjoys quality time with friends and bushwalking and swimming. Her books can be found on her author page www.facebook.com/jeanette.grantthomson 

* In the Garden, by C. Austin Miles