A journey out of grief, depression and anger - Isaac’s Story
I was born in Geelong on New Year’s Eve. Mum always said the fireworks were just for me, but that got old pretty quick. My childhood was the normal mix of Thomas the Tank Engine and Sesame Street, with a lot of church and kid’s ministry as well. The arrival of two younger brothers has given me a role I love more than anything – getting to be an older brother. At church, I made life long friends who have supported and encouraged me.
Everything changed when I was eight years old. We had moved to New South Wales, and around the same time I was diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum. Back then, there was less known about this and much less support available. However, there was one outlet for me that was really helpful – the kid’s pastor at my church. He loved the kids really well and also had a son with autism, so he understood me.
Unfortunately, another huge change happened for me in 2012, when he passed away. This was really hard for me and it turned into a very dark year. I struggled with the grief, which began a downhill spiral in many ways. However, what happened next added into that spiral even more.
I started to develop a real interest in metal music and with that came a lot of ridicule from religious people in the church. In turn, I began to have issues with religion which then impacted my relationship with God big time. At that point there was a song that echoed what was going on for me. The lyrics to “I feel like a monster”, by Skillet describe what I see happening to some as we go through circumstances in life.
“The secret side of me, I never let you see
I keep it caged, but I can't control it
So stay away from me, the beast is ugly
I feel the rage and I just can't hold it
It's scratching on the walls, in the closet, in the halls
It comes awake, and I can't control it
Hiding under the bed, in my body, in my head
Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?
I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become
The nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
My secret side I keep, hid under lock and key
I keep it caged, but I can't control it
'Cause if I let him out he'll tear me up, break me down
Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?
It's hiding in the dark
It's teeth are razor sharp
There's no escape for me, it wants my soul, it wants my heart
No one can hear me scream
Maybe it's just a dream
Maybe it's inside of me, stop this monster”
When we internalise our responses to life it is basically like a monster that comes out of the closet. You can’t control your rage and anger. This was what I struggled with a lot.
From here, I got into other metal bands such as Korn, and Slipknot. These were my outlet and escape from the issues I was dealing with. But of course, with that came my issues with religion. It seemed to me that only metal music was targeted by the religious in this way. I’ve never seen them respond to rap or pop in the same way. Because I was a metal head, I gravitated to those who didn’t care about religious stuff, but just cared about their relationship with God. However, in the end, the religious stuff did impact my relationship with God as well.
Some family issues at that time were also pretty hard. Relationships on both sides of our family were pretty tough and I struggled with the neglect and rejection I experienced from extended family members. That spiralled into a phase of pretty serious depression. Metal music really became my only outlet. It was then that a teacher at school noticed that something wasn’t right with me, that I wasn’t myself and needed to get some help. He talked with my dad and this really turned things around for me. I ended up going to see a great psychologist who helped me to deal with stuff, eventually being able to let go of it and forgive my relatives for the pain they caused us. I came to a place of accepting that there probably won’t be the relationship I would like with them.
Eventually I came back to Christ. It has been a journey because the reality is that I did not like the church, I did not like religion. I have come back to my faith without the religious aspect. Two media sources that really helped me on this journey were The Shack (both the book and the movie, written by Wm Paul Young), and the movie, The Heart of Man. This particularly helped display to me the goodness of God as a Father.
But the biggest reason was listening to a Christian metal band called Impending Doom. They have a song called Deceiver that awoke me to the fact that I was being deceived by the enemy to think that what I was currently doing, the way I was acting, was right. The reality was that I was letting him win in the way I was acting. But by listening to that song and realising that, I was like, “Well, stop this, I am going to go back to God.” This has definitely been a journey, and one I am still on, but I am excited about the future and what God has in store for me.
Issac works in a small local zoo and loves to play up a storm on his drums.
