Breaking free from anxiety
I still remember the first time someone suggested I was an anxious person. It was my science teacher, who was reflecting on the different responses of the class as he placed test papers in front of each of us. Apparently, my face told the story, but I didn’t believe it. I was not aware that I was anxious at all.
Fast forward to my mid-twenties and I found myself doing regular battles with stress. Feeling commitments mounting, I would regularly end up with headaches that only sleep could cure, and a fear that the expectations of others would overwhelm me, that I couldn’t handle all that life was handing me.
Although I received some healing from this as I began to understand my wiring and some of my experiences through childhood, the abrupt end to my marriage threw me over the edge. My anxiety and inability to control what was going on in my world pushed me into its close companion, depression. Like a big, wet blanket, depression made functioning such hard work that I nearly went under, nearly gave up on life itself.
Over a period of some four years, medication lifted me to the point where I could operate and didn’t spend quite so much time in tears. However, it also flattened any joy from my life. I drifted on in a land of grey.
During this time, though, I continued to have some counselling and gained further understanding about myself. As an extrovert, I was realising the importance of relationships and connection with others in my daily life to energise me. Unfortunately, I had so many trust issues it was not always easy to find those connections. It was a battle I struggled to overcome. Nevertheless, I came to a point where I felt God confirming with me that it was time to let go of the safety net of medication, and that I wouldn’t drown in my emotions again.
Throughout the next couple of years, I continued with God on my healing journey. In the middle of it all, I came face to face with my anxiety again. However, I now knew what it was and could label it.
One morning, I awoke with an almost overwhelming sense of unease and apprehension. I checked through what was going on, and no, there was nothing that particularly came to mind that could be causing this. I had been learning to ask God more specific questions, though, and that day I asked Him what was at the root of my anxiety.
Immediately, the story of my birth came to mind. My parents had always told it to me from my dad’s perspective, but this time I heard the question, “What was going on for your mother at that point?”
When I was born, my parents lived on a dairy farm in south west Victoria. It was back in the day when they hardly had a phone, let alone a mobile one, and it was some drive to the hospital in the nearest town. They had a relatively new car, though, so it was to their great surprise when it broke down on the way, in the early hours of the morning. The story goes that my dad left my mum in the car while he went to find the nearest house to see if he could borrow a vehicle. When he finally roused someone, the lady of the house said her husband was away and there was either a truck or a tractor, neither of which were at the house. So, my dad went and got the said truck, picked up my mother, dropped her at the hospital where the nurse told her off for waiting so long before coming in, and my dad headed back to the farm to milk the cows. I was born about half an hour later.
As I thought about my mother in this scenario, who was never the protagonist of the tale, I suddenly got a clear picture of what it was probably like for her. Sitting in the dark, completely alone with no idea where my dad had got to, contractions increasing in strength and regularity. She had already had two other children and was a nurse to boot, so I can only imagine her thoughts: “Will I have to deliver this baby by myself?” I am guessing her anxiety levels were pretty high. I felt that this was the root source of my anxiety. Whether it was from an overdose of the hormones associated with anxiety rushing through my mother’s body into mine or something more, I sensed that anxiety became my normal as I entered the world.
This was quite a revelation to me. It gave me a little peace as I headed off into my day. At the time I was at Bible College at my church, and first thing that morning we paired up to pray for each other. I shared what was going on for me and my friend prayed for me, quite simply telling anxiety to leave in the Name of Jesus and never come back.
I didn’t feel anything at that time, and in all honesty was probably more than a little sceptical. How could a few simple words change a life time of experience?
In the next few months, though, life turned a major corner. Martin and I had been dating for a couple of years and came to a place where we decided we would get married. Given the timing of school holidays and how it would all work for the four kids we had between us, we only had three months from the time of our engagement to our wedding day. In that time, I had two separate courses of studies to complete, a house to prepare and sell as well as all the details of preparing a wedding on top of normal life. In the past, just one of these things would have caused me considerable stress, probably with accompanying headaches. To my great surprise, I actually found myself super chilled and relaxed. I think my words were, “It’s all good, it’ll happen.” No stress; no anxiety. As I realised this, I had an almost physical look around: “Ok, who are you, and what have you done with regular Ruth?”
This was such a new sensation for me. Peace. Rest. I never knew that people could operate out of this space and actually get stuff done. I thought stress and anxiety were just part and parcel of being “Type A” and that people who weren’t like that never achieved anything, or at least not much.
While I have had a few occasions of anxiety and plenty when I have lost my peace since then, I can honestly say that the shift I experienced at that time was permanent. I had a sudden change in my way of operating that I have never lost. Jesus took my anxiety for me, replaced it with peace and what, to all intents and purposes seemed like a new operating system. I have no doubt that He can do it for you, too. If you are willing to give Him fear, anxiety and stress, He is very generous with His peace!
Ruth Embery is an author and blogger among other passions, such as healing ministry, worship, painting and gardening to name a few. If you would like to know or read more, head over to www.ruthembery.com, or you can check out her books HERE.
